Baby Formula

So I'm one of those people who imagines how things will be and sort of gets disappointed when life doesn't turn out that way. 

And maybe that's why I'm given opportunities to experience just such a thing.  To make me grateful for what I do have... and to realize that, just because it isn't all I imagined and wanted, doesn't mean it's not good.

All my life I had wanted to be a mom.  And, to my recollection, I always imagined I would breast-feed my babies.  I always wanted to.  I know not all women have that desire.  But I did. 

My body, however, wasn't so cooperative. 

I had known in advance that I could have issues with this, because of a hormone imbalance.  When I was first pregnant and having my initial visit with the nurse (who is also a lactation nurse), she saw my hormone imbalance in my medical record and advised me that I may want to take some early measures to try to let my body know I want it to produce milk.  And so I did.  But it didn't work.  I saw many lactation consultants (a total of 4; 3 during our hospital stay) and had a lot of hope.  But my milk never came in. 

Let me just say that that was one of the hardest things I had to come to terms with:  my body had failed me, as far as I was concerned.  And even worse, it had failed my precious baby who depended on me for life.  It was a hard time, what with all the hormones raging.  And the thought that I might be starving my baby was pretty horrific.  Even now, when I remember it, I cringe.  It seriously stabs my heart -- and I learned a valuable lesson about being better prepared (the hospital did not send us home with formula, and we didn't buy any, thinking nursing would be no problem). 

We had a breast pump, and when I finally had to acknowledge that I was never going to be able to supply my baby with the food she needed by myself, I remember looking at that thing and crying.  Crying at the loss of something I had hoped for.  (By this point we were using formula, but trying to build my milk supply in the hopes it would increase enough to sustain life).

And then my sweet husband reminded me of something I'll never forget.  He reminded me to be grateful for the access we have to a way to feed our baby.  He reminded me that, even though it didn't turn out to be the way I had hoped and imagined, we still had food to give her to keep her alive.  And in that moment I felt humbled.  And grateful.

And I am grateful that my body did increase its milk supply enough that she would nurse before each bottle.  I'm grateful that, though it was never a possibility for me to nurse exclusively, I was able to experience that bond with my daughter.  I was able to give her something -- and the lactation nurse called it almost like a dose of medicine I was giving her.  She has since decided (in the last couple weeks) that she is no longer interested in nursing, so I didn't push the issue.  We made it 6 months, and for that, I'm grateful.  But I'm definitely grateful for formula that has kept my little girl healthy and happy.  I'm grateful I live in a time when I have options.

And I'm grateful that I can learn how to let go and be grateful for what I do have.

What are you grateful for today?